Two things that put the last week into perspective:
1. "I Saw You" ads. Hands down, my favourite column in any paper must be "I Saw You", not so much because I'm hoping to be on the receiving end of one of these ads, but because of the potential therein. I keep wondering if anyone responds, or if the sender is somehow that much more pathetic for not having jumped at the chance when the situation called for brash action and bold moves. Which would make me pathetic, I guess, though my defense was that I was tired from the travels. Last month, I sent an I Saw You email which went sort of like this: I SAW YOU across our pal's apartment where we both were staying in Montreal (you on the couch, me on the futon) but it didn't even occur to me to act on it until after you were en route back to Brooklyn. He responded. He visited. Now he's home.
2. My dog Lecky and what he says about me. I'm not saying he's out at coffee shops talking shit about me, though he might be. I'm saying you just need to take one look at my dog to realize the kind of guy who'll fit in around here. And on the off chance I bring around a guy who's the living embodiment of my dog, Lecky treats me like I'm a colostomy bag (full, even) and just wants to head out for pints with his new alpha male. He's the unfiltered pure emoter in the house; a picture window into what's going on in my own head. Which is why one quick glance at him will let you in on the overriding emotion currently on display in the household. At the moment, he's moping on the couch, one paw held fast against his forehead as though he's holding his brain in place because his world has been fucked with recently. In a good way. He's keeping Jim O'Rourke's Eureka on heavy rotation.
A survey of the commercial topics aired during my favourite type of daytime television:
* Buy cars for as low as $500
* Convert your lawsuit settlement from many small payments into one large lump sum
* No interest, no down payment, no money due for one full year
* Credit problems? Buried in debt?
* Sell your idea
* Jumpstart your career with at-home training
* They were threatening to take our house!
* Why bother walking all the way to the bathroom? Call for your free adult diaper sample now!
I'm nervous. I'm fast becoming one of those people I can't stand. You know, the type who gets sent, all-expenses paid, to Guatamala for six weeks to teach batik? Or the type who drives around in Chrysler commercials singing about leading a charmed life? No, wait, strike that, I'm not becoming Dianna Krall. But I am sickening even myself lately -- no really, I've had the flu for four days. It's not as if I asked for any of these things, trust me, I didn't even know to ask for them. I didn't, say, demand a writing gig on a cop show, or request six months of free car usage. But somehow I landed both. I didn't ask two of my favourite people to move all the way here from distant shores. But they did, or are in the process of doing so. I didn't ask to be sent to Toronto and Montreal on a free trip where everything, from the hotel to oversized cafe au laits were paid for, but I went and it was fantastic. And lastly, I most certainly didn't even think to ask about meeting anyone cool while I was in Montreal, nor to have that person come to visit next week. Normally, to even take these items out of my head and make them public domain would jinx them from happening by default. But lately, it's like the jinx master has gone to Tahiti. So you see now why I should be nervous. Either something's going to give really soon, or my children are going to be born with flippers....which might be kinda cool, especially considering I live on the coast and all.
However, if all else fails, I've picked up these remarkable tips for shoplifting. Let's say you're stopping at a major grocery store with your pal so she can pick up dinner supplies, and you decide to check out the large discount clothing store on the second floor (Winners) because nothing is more boring than grocery shopping when you're not even buying. But as you're going through the door, your cellphone, which isn't even on, sets off the alarm. The nonchalant sales clerks ask if you have a cellphone. Yup. They nod you through. On the way out, same thing, without even a care for what else might be in your bag.
Example #2. Let's say your uncle has just given you his car for six months or so before you transfer ownership to your brother. The car comes without a CD player, so you're trying to rig your portable DVD unit into the system for the time-being. Now, if you have a bag of Radio Shack crap, and walk into Zeller's to pick up dishwasher liquid, you will also set off the alarm. The equally nonchalant staff will scan your Radio Shack bag. On the way out, you pass through a different teller, who will rescan the Radio Shack bag without looking to see what's in it, and off you go.
So if this whole "charmed life" thing starts to crumble on me, I know I can always replenish my supply of "as-is" DNKY stirrup pants and Mossimo thongs. Phew. I'm not so nervous anymore.
